enraptured by this song.

literally;

addicted.

music like this makes me lay back and chill...

and lose my mind in my thoughts
and such...
can you dig it???

oops...

did i ever mention that i finally cut my hair?
well,
i cut it on august fourth
:DDDD
ooopsie daisies......
pictures later
[3 months too late lol]

promise.

haven't posted anything in a while...

as of now:
i'm jamming to some reggae!
woooooooo!
i lvoe jamaican people!
i want to marry somebody who's jamaican
so i can hear his accent 24/7...

anywho...

what's been going on...
nothing much really.

i have a new job!
i tutor for this program
i was in last year (my first year of college)
called "First Year Experience" (FYE)
which i'm happy about.
it's not all about the mulaaa,
i like to help people!
:DDD

school is okay.
i just hope i pass all of my classes
with a B or better...
i'm on a roll here!

the number of depressive episodes
have gone down.

i've decided i need to "reinvent" myself.
this includes:
re-doing my room
changing up my style
etc., etc.
when will all of this be done?
when the mulaaa comes in lol
aaand when i'm not being lazy...

i know what i want to do with my life:
i'm majoring in Fashion Merchandising...
hopefully SFSU will like me...

nuh lingaaaaaa!!!

woooooooooooooow
so my best friend totally ditched me
for her fiance...
sux right?
she doesn't call me or talk to me anymore
&
she basically used me.
i was there for her when SHE needed me,
now that she doesn't need me anymore,
i'm just an invisible (insert vulgar word here) to her.
some friend aye?

hmmm.
there are some FIONE axx dudes at
my school this year.
where have y'all been hiding?
LOL just kidding.
(although i do have a hard time paying attention when one walks by).

i'm still a vigo!
yessss.

and uhm...
i don't know what else to tell y'all lol
my life is pretty boring.
i really do wish it were more innteresting
buuut it isn't
:D
later dudes...

my mind is racing

man so many thoughts on my mind, such as: just about everything is blowing up in my face; i'm just about irritated with everything, including the people around me, near AND far; my life is a mess, i need to pick up the peices and fast; never bee...n so hurt by such words in my life, they just keep coming at me like bees; i need to find new people to be included in my life, NEW ones i can TRUST. as of now i only have a select group that i chose to talk to. patty, rachel, des, jenny, pilar (ha!), and the people i have here on facebook [sorry i dint name you, but you know who you are]; feeling unwanted, invisible, ignored, etc., etc.; can't wait to move; sometimes i wonder if my different is good; homie, stop tryna be real with me and be real with yourself...be true to yourself; my situation is getting more and more nutzo everyday; i need to go somewhere, anywhere away from here; tired of being taken advantage of; tired of people thinking i'm a wink link, no, no honey: i just let you think that; last but not least, and not the last: PEOPLE NEED TO STOP FXCKIN AROUND, it's not a dayum joke [excuse my french].

tell me whyyy

i had this nutzo, but dope dream
that i was one of the stylists for Tyler Perry's movies.

it all started out when he came to my
collegio to do some comedy stuff
and after i got to interview him
[how? i dunno. i think i just asked]
so i was asking about him being homeless
but yet VERY intelligent
[is that rude? not all poor/homeless people are education deficit.
does that make sense? oh well]
him being single,
the success of his movies,
madea, uncle joe, etc...
and we had small talk basically.

so we start talking
about his height amd i stand up next to him--
i'm 5'9.75 so of course i was HELLA shorter than him.
then i talk about how it must be awesome to work
or intern for him because of thew atmosphere.
he looks at me and my outfit
[it was maaad dope!]
and asks "how would like to be one of the stylists on deck?"
somehow one of the stylists decided to leave
because of family issues
so therefore i became the "replacement girl"
[ha! remember that song? real fans know what i'm speaking of!]
i was in a state of shoooooooooock! lol
so then i move to ATL like a couple weeks later
and move into a dope axx apartment
and it goes from there.

maybe i was fantasizing,
i dunno,
but it was dope!
i have a hard time regurgitating stories or dreams
but it was a cool dream/fantasy.
in my dream, mr. perry was,
as wendy williams often says [i lvoe that woman!]
"a friend in my head."

yes,
my dreams are interesting,
but i have a good time when i
partially sleep!


ok i feel bad now because i'm nawt paying
any attention to jimmy fallon!
i swear i have a crush on him, i dunno whyyy.
such a weird crush
ahahahahaha
laterrr.

don't you lvoe her?

so do i!!!
this is the lvoely woman who will
be modeling my designs!
:DDDD
you can call her,

Yoelle.

aaaawww.

i was looking at some old pictures
of myself in my old camera
and i looked
H A P P Y .
like nothing could tear me down.
i don't know what happened to her.
but i've got to get her back--
i hate New Year Resolutions,
but this year i just might make a
list with one resolution on it:
TO BE HAPPY.
the new year is about
4 months-ish from now, but thats mine.
i seriously hope and pray
to be happy.

as mary j, says:

"All I really want, is to be happy"

i know she's speaking of lvoe
in that song,
but maybe thats what i,
need to be happy.
sounds crazy, i know lol
i paused before i typed that.

but i don't know.
whatever God plans for me,
i am okay with.
whether it be lvoe,
new friendships,
money
[ha! "money can't buy you everything/happiness],
a new calling,
i hope it is what i need to be happy.

info about taurus

i think i've posted something like this before, but oh well
[i forgot where i got this from, oops!]:

True to the mascot of the Taurus, your stubbornness is the root of your resolve [ahahaha part of the reason why i don't get along with my father]. You’re highly motivated to finish something you start. Why put in blood, sweat and tears without seeing the fruits of your labor? Because you work so hard at completing your goals – especially in your career – you value a hard-earned buck.

In fact, money is the object of your desire. It’s not that you’re greedy; it’s just that your financial situation affects how stable you feel. Plus, you enjoy the finer things in life – good food and drink and high-end things for yourself and your home. [i lvoe everything luxurious and extravagant, especially when i can get it for an EXTREMELY good/cheap price :D]

But when it comes to sharing, you’d rather protect your treasures and keep them to yourself. [unless i reaaaallly like you]

One thing Taurus is not is a risk taker. Your fixed zodiac quality represents your resistance to change.While practical, you aren’t particularly interested in trying new things. Change makes you feel uneasy and vulnerable. You crave stability and are comfortable with the familiar. [change is scary for me, i try, but it never works. im slower to change than most and have to do it gradually or else i'll have a panic attack!]

This sign’s cool, calm and collected exterior hides a tenacious temper. Rarely do you unleash it on others, unless you’re seriously provoked or attacked.Beneath your down-to-earth, easy-going personality lies someone who’s very romantic and concerned with matters of the heart. [exactly like a bull. lol they only attack or get dangerous when provoked]



Relationships
Taurus often have a difficult time meeting new people – you can be reserved and self-conscious around strangers. [people think i'm cocky because of that, well if you dont know, know you know] You’re more of a self-contained soul.But your inner circle of friends knows they can count on your shoulder to cry on. You have a knack for offering sound advice with a loving touch.When it comes to romantic relationships, you’re very affectionate and sensual. You prefer a steady courtship and rarely rush in to a relationship. [i think i would seriously have to "talk" to / date someone for mooonths before we can be a "couple]

Taurus’ best romantic matches are also earth signs – Virgo and Capricorn.You’re a giver, and all you ask for in return is a committed relationship where you feel safe. Just keep your possessiveness and jealousy in check. [i hate people who dont commit whether it be relationships or just random things. big turn off. i hate cheaters the most.]


Health
Taurus rules the neck and face. You probably have a soft and striking voice, providing to music to other people’s ears. You were also blessed with a beautiful neck and collarbone as well as a clear complexion.Some health problems you may encounter: Colds, coughs, laryngitis, stiff necks and thyroid gland issues. Taurus' love for food and a tendency to be lazy puts you at risk of gaining weight, especially in your later years. [ahahahahaaha so freaking true! i'm a little thick if you know what i'm saying lmao. i lvoe being thick though. :DDDD sooo much fun! the only thing thats nawt fun about it is not being able to wear some of the cute clothing because it looks better on the grossly skinny chix. (oh another novel)]


However, when you’re motivated to get up and get moving, you’re quite the athlete.


Career
Taurus' propensity for success and level of makes you a wonderful employee at most jobs.You enjoy positions where you’re responsible for money or can use your keep aesthetic eye, and work best in a day-to-day routine.

The best jobs for a Taurus include: musician, artist, singer, banker, stockbroker, insurance agent, accountant, cashier, real estate agent, florist, woodworker, and antique collector. [i lvoe music! i lvoe art! (just wish i had the chance to craft my craft), i lvoe to sing! (i'm an ok singer, would i make a career out of it? eh, maybe if i wanted to, probably couldnt deal with "blowing up"), i lvoe flowers! my faves are freesias, roses (yellow, white, pink(s)), orchids, pretty much the exotic looking flowers; and antiques are beautiful!!!!!!!!!]

While you’re a solid fixture in your loved ones' lives, embrace change every once in awhile. Or else you’ll never know what you could be missing out on. Are You Too Jealous?

Jealousy [i dunno lol it is true though] may have run rampant in your high school cliques, but isn't it time you grew out of this ugly emotion? [i dunno, i hope!!!!!!!!!] There are different degrees of jealousy, and the way you handle it makes all the difference. Find out if you're too jealous for your own good with this quiz.

Check out Health Bistro, where Lifescript editors let it all hang out. Share it with your friends (it’s free to sign up!), and bookmark it so you don’t miss a single juicy post!

wow, ok.

ya i understand that i am
obeastly fat [yes, thats the way i spelled it]
but dayum!
do you, your mama, daddy, uncle, aunty,
grandfather, AND grandmother
have to say it too?
ugh.
it's annoying
and the reason as to why
i am insecure, depressed, and starving.
[no i don't starve myself, on purpose at least.
sometimes i just don't feel like eating for a
couple/few days, weird, i know].

do you know what the woman i am forced
to call my mother told me?

ok so we planned to go on a trip to LA right,
but she never told me when we were going.
then like on tuesday or wednesday
[week august 16-22]
she tells me that she didn't want to take me to LA
"looking the way [i] did [in fear of embarrasment maybe?]
and that "[i] looked better now."
i told her i lost weight because i havent been eating
and she didn't say anything.

ok so you mean to tell me
that it's okay for me to lose weight because i am eating every 2 days
instead of working out?
i was and still am very appalled
by my mother's actions.
i seriously refuse to go to LA now.
like i wanted to sooo bad, but eff it.
i felt like crying.

this is why i can't stand living in my house.

and my dad = another story.
let's just say he's an annoying,
controlling, manipulative, lying,
unimportant, violent, goolish,
unworthy, child favorite picker.

sometimes i wish i could just win the lottery
and build a ginormous house in the SF hills
so i can be alooooone.
i'm used to it anyhow.

blaaaaaah

let's talk:

ok so
we need to talk about the use of the word virgin. [lol]
virgin, like many other "popular" words,
is used in so many ways its sort of interesting.

there's
property virgin [as in housing]
virgin hair
extra virgin olive oil [evoo as rachel ray says]

and then there's
virgin mobile
virgin atlantic airlines
virgin records

there's a music group called the virgins

virgin words

there's also being a virgin
in your mouth,
your axx,
or vagina [or va-guy-na as bruno says lol].

whatever happend to the biblical meaning of virgin:

1. a person who has never had sexual intercourse.
2. an unmarried girl or woman.
3. Ecclesiastical. an unmarried, religious woman, esp. a saint.
4. the Virgin, Mary, the mother of Christ.
5. Informal. any person who is uninitiated, uninformed, or the like: He's still a virgin as far as hard work is concerned. [ a virgin girl or boy will usually be uninitiated and uninformed]

–adjective
9. being a virgin: a virgin martyr.
10. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a virgin: virgin modesty.

i dunno just a thought.

and yes i'm a virgin
so i find some of the uses insulting
[ahahaha jk]

acceptance.

i just came across this thought today,
well just now actually.
and i am aware that other people
may have thought of it as well,

but

the only way for people to accept our [african american] hair,
is for them to accept their hair as well.
not all white or other ethnic people have straight hair.
a majority of them have
wavy or curly hair,
but straighten it whether with heat,
or chemicals.

some do accept their hair
and might only straighten on occasion,
while others straighten their hair religiously.
by reducing the amount of heat and chemical styling,
they will be able to embrace their hair
and embrace ours as well.

if you have curly hair on your head,
you wouldn't discourage someone else
who has almost the same type of hair as you right?
so therefore,
stop altering your hair regardless of your ethnicity,
and you will come to terms with other peoples hair.

capish? **in an italian accent...lol

an idle mind

is a devil's workshop.

maaaaaan so true!

raaarrrrr! :D

one more week until i cut my hair!
omg! lol
august 4th seems sooooo far away!
can't wait to see what my natural hair/texture looks like...
hoping not too much chemical damage has been done...
i guess we'll wait and see...
i don't even know how to REALLY take care of natural hair
lol i guess i'll just go along with it as the days roll on by.
aaaaaah! :D i'm excited. can you tell?

welp.

i think i'm starting to lvoe my hair!

i haven't chopped off my relaxed ends...

next week! [yaaaay!]

but from what i've seen i'm okay with it.

when i first started to grow

out my hair i wanted it to look like this:

but i think i'm okay with it being a little tighter.

well actually i think my hair has every single type of

hair there is except straight lol.

i think it has:

a smaller wave in the front [type 4b?]

a tighter curl in the middle [type 4a ]

a loser curl in the back[type 3c]

i really like tighter curls because

it looks a lot bouncier and is cool! lol

but whatever hair i do have

[i'll know for sure after my cut]

i will appreciate and lvoe it.

when i first started my transitioning phase,

i really wanted that larger curl,

but now it's whatever...

i just want healthy, strong hair that doesn't

break off more than it should...

:DDDDD

addition:

what i didn't realize before

was that my hair will grow in whatever way it wants to grow.

hair is genetics.

i can't force it to look the way i want it.

if someone would have told me that you can

grown whatever haur you want

by thinking really hard, wishing on a shooting star, and eating weird dirt

i think i would have!

but this transitioning phase has made me

realize that i can't do that.

and i shouldn't do that.

i just to need to let my hair hang out and be free.

a look into mysophobia [germaphobia]:

i've always been afraid of germs, but some recent event [that i choose not to speak of] have made my mysophobia worse:

2 weeks ago i began washing my hands constantly and making sure i didnt touch anything anyone touched. i didnt eat for a week and a half because i didn't know what utensils people ate off. [i lost six pounds] i have a fear of touching the fridge or microwave because someone else might have touched it. i use a napkin to open anything. when i go up and down the stairs i makesure i dont touch the railing and if i think i did i run down the stairs to wash my hands. i even get nervous to wash my hands because i don't know who touched it before me.

i buy my own water for my room and "claim" my own cup.

my dad sneezed in my room a couple days ago and i had a serious breakdown. i cried and cried in the bathroom until i had a migraine. i was shaking and felt like throwing up. i felt like my room was my safe place from his germs until he sneezed...i must have sprayed my room down like a freak. if my mom doesn't hide that lysol from me, i might get permanent brain dramage. seriously. she told me i need to calm down in her serious im-your-mother-so-listen-to-me-tone. i took it into consideration, but it didnt help.

now when i go outside i dont open any doors until someone opens them for me or i rush to the door that is closing and open it with my wrist or elbow. i can't shake peoples hands without feeling like i need scalding water to wash my hands. i dont even like hugging people anymore...and you know how some people spit when they talk? i feel like i should just shoot myself right there. i used to leave my door closed, but now i leave it open so people wont touch my door knob.

i have to think of things like peanut butter [which i'm allergic to lol], peaches, bananas, strawberries, melons, etc. to keep my mind off of viruses and bacteria. i had another breakdown because a particular word kept [and still is] flashing through my brain, thats when the words started happening. its getting better, but it still manages to flash in my brain a couple time. i started to cry horribly and was curled up in a "child's pose" on the floor in the hallway. i couldn't stop crying and i felt like i was becoming psychotic.

i used to be able to touch door knobs and the fridge door or shake peoples hands before [i would still wash them] but now it has gotten worse...

i stay in my room even more than i used to and dread going out sometimes. i'm afraid someone who has an uncurable disease is going to spit on me or if i have a cut on my hand theytouch me and i'm going to get their disease as well.

**This post is about germs creative aye?

i don't know. i think i need help.

oh ya, and i was thinking about not having kids because i dont them to have to worry about germs or get sick at a young age. and i was also thinking about not getting married either because i dont want my husband to have or give me something...and i have this belief that ALL men are unfaithful and will bring weird shxt into the house.

and no tattoos. sometimes the tattoo artists dont change the needles or will put used ink back in the bottles or even use the same cap from someone else. especially your "homeboys." sometimes even the most sincere gestures can get you into trouble. the same goes with peircings as well.

ugh. i'm really starting to discover how serious this shxt is. i feel like monk.

you are everywhere around me...

sometimes i feel like,
you're always stalking me.

wherever i am
you are;
you want to be;
you think you should be;
you will be;
there.

why can't you leave me alone?

you got me going crazy
got me thinking i'm insane.
i feel like i need to place myself
voluntarily in a psych ward
or even in a whole.

you don't care.

all you know is what you want what you want,
and all you want is one thing--
to make me miserable.
i want to end it
you're driving me crazy.
i feel like your mission
is to drive me insane.
make me feel like my brain
is going to explode.

i thought i was okay.
but i'm not.

leave me alone.
go somewhere else.
why are you so damn toxic.

ugh.

why do make me so?
i can't breathe,
the walls are closing in...






take this as my rant to your very existance.

geez.

people from the dominican republic are mean...
they have this crazy mindset
that white or light
is P O W E R .
don't you see that black
is beautiful?
and powerful...
i don't think i'll be visiting
the dominican republic any soon.
why?
1) i wouldn't be welcome there in the first place since i'm "too dark"
2) i'm probably to fat too
3) i'm growing out my hair; to them natural, curly, kinky hair is "bad" hair [uh huh, right.]
4) i might get killed or hurt for who i am
5) they might think i'm haitian [:O, lol that's why they hate "black" people and because of Dictator Rafael Trujillo & President Joaquín Balaguer]

i never thought that i couldn't
go to another country because they might hate me
and say horrible things, not mean, horrible things to me.

answer me this:
intellectually:
logically
seriously:
with reasoning and examples:

what is so wrong with being dark skinned?
why is lighter skin better than dark skin?

as well as:

what is so bad about curly/kinky hair?
why is straight hair better that curly/kinky hair?

ugh.

your satisfaction does not concern me...

i don't know.
just decided to say that lol.
i'm feeling very...
disjointed?

no.

yes.

disjointed from my emotions?

no.

disjointed from my body?

yes.

i feel like i'm nutzo.
[i'm not, but i feel like it]

alter ego?
hmmmmmm.
everyone meet xia-xuxa

[zee-yah--shoo-sha].

:D

oi.

i'm so confused about what i really want to do.
ok well maybe i do know what i want to do,
but i'm confused about what everyone else wants me to do.

what am i speaking of?
my career.

if it was up to me,
like seriously,
up to me,
i would like to be a fashion designer.
i have so many
designs in my head it's crazy
how it all fits up there.

but my father doesn't want me to fulfill that dream.
to him,
it's foolish.

so then i decided,
maybe i'll do business,
then maybe i'll accounting,
or maybe i'll do international business instead--
to make my father happy.

ya well that didn't go so well.

then i decided that maybe
social work will be good for me since
i lvoe being nosey and i like to help people.
these are everyone's replies:

"emotionally hard"
"no pay"
"psychologically difficult"
"very little money"
"why do you want to do that?"

again,
another dream out the window.

so what am i left with?
my mom has been drilling me about
physical, occupational, and speech therapy.
i chose physical therapy,
but now she's drilling me about occupational.
a doctorate of physical therapy will take me
between 3-7 years [because i wasn't able to find an excat "timeline" of when i'll be done because the people who answered the questions before me might have not been physical therapists themselves].

............oi.

i don't know if i should just quit
and start over again
or take a looooooooooooong vacation
away from everyone else to think
and get my mind clear.

maybe jamaica.
there are some fine men there.
lol i'm only 19,
but it wouldn't hurt to look
[aha! just saying]

i d k .

i may need to do a lot of soul searching
to find who i am
and not how people want me to be.
after all,
i am going to school to pursue a career for me
and me only.
i really don't know who i am.
usually a person likes a couple things.
i like them A L L .
a normal human being knows what they want--
i don't. i can never make up my mind.
what i am trying to get at is maybe i really am like her
[her being a character i'm using for a story line
for my designs. her name is so cool!]
i'm lost and i can't find my way home.
i can't find my voice nor can i find my soul either.

do you see how one small thing can afffect one's train of thought?

oi.

aftermath (with commentary):

man that extra
dose of caffeine
yesterday had me messed up!

first of all--
i didn't sleep until 11:30 or something like that.
and then i felt like i only slept for
three hours because the rest of the time,
i felt like i was awake.

i usually wake up around
5:30 am so i can get ready for
my core conditioning class [highly recommened!]
which starts at 7:30.
i didn't get up until maybe 6
and didn't leave the house until 6:50-ish.
[yes it takes me that long.
and that was me rushing :D]

i arrived at class
and was okay at first because i was used to
core conditioning from last quarter,
but today was not my day.
towards the end,
i skipped the "after stretches"
and left.

i changed and then met up
with my friend sheldon to study for
our political science class: american politics and gov't.
uhm....we studied for nothing
because our teacher only put
25% of the stuff we learned in the test,
and the other 75% was some crazy stuff!
ok,
well maybe i exaggerated,
it was more like 40% in-class,
60% crazy stuff.
i just hope i passed!

my last class of the day was speech.
the "come down" effect
from my caffeine "high" helped control
my nerves when we had to give our
"introductory" speeches
of why we are attending college...
bladdi bladdi bladda
everyone said my speech was good,
so i was okay.

after that,
i jumped in the car to head home.

i explained a dream i had to my friend sherdonna.
it was a ridiculous dream and part
of the reason why i couldn't go to sleep:

it was a hot day in august [of this year, futuristic dreams ha!]
and i am in so-cal...

i was in a toy store with two friends who are boys.
we were having fun and recording our adventure [nothing sexual lol]
when i did something crazy and
knocked over the bouncy balls--all of them!
ahahahahahahaha
so then the security guard decides to chase us
and we run out of the store.
there is a liquor store next to it
so i'm like "hey i want some arizona!"
[uh huh, i was dreaming about tea lol]
so we go in the store and i get my arizona
and some starbursts.
so we're "chilling" outside, sitting on the curb
and i take a swig of my tea
when a cop,
ever so slowly,
drives by.
as soon as i take my swig,
he puts his lights on,
comes out of the car, and arrests me!
[boy this is a long post...]
he arrests me for suspicion of public intoxication
[or however they would say that]
and he doesnt even do the tests first!
so he throws me in the car and i say
"i'm not going unless they come with me,
i don't know what you're going to do to me!
and you! bring my starbursts!"
[can't forget those lol]
so then he takes me, or us, to the station
and i'm making a big fuss about how he's racist
and laddi laaaaa.
so then,
we are in court because i am trying to sue his butt.
we're in court and i'm being obnoxious
and i tell the judge that officer brown [that's his name]
that he needs to go back to
the police academy to learn the proper
procedures, when someone is
suspected of being publically intoxicated
AND that he should take a full sociology course
so he can learn a lesson!
in the end i got $100k
and homeboy officer brown had to pay the price!
ahahahaha

oh boy.

when i got home today,
i was draaaaaained!
i still am right now.
and i didn't eat all day [because i am broke]
and i finally ate at like 8 o'clock.
[i usually don't eat after 6].
now i'm terribly sleepy.

g'night world.
sleep tight.
don't let the viruses attack your computer tonight!

ting-a-lingin' it

i have been on a "natural high"
for the past 6 hours!

no, no, no!
stop the press!
breaking news!

i know why i'm so..."high?" [lol]
i had a big can of arizona iced tea in peach flavor!
and THEN,
when i got home
i enjoyed blueberry tea with lime
and like 2 tablespoons of brown sugar
[i have a sweet tooth]
that i put in the fridge earlier
because it was too hot!
i didn't get to drink it or else
i would have been late for speech class!

yes!
i have come to a conclusion!
lol

but anywho!
tea puts me in a really great mood then huh?
ahaha
la la la la!

however,
someone informed me (is that correct?)
that tea sucks up most or all
of the iron in your body...
uh-oh! not good.
i need that iron so i won't be anemic!

:O

n a t u r a l hair.

yes, yes.
N A T U R A L!

these are my favorite definitions of natural
from dictionary.com [yes, i know, i am very lazy lol]

1. existing in or formed by nature (opposed to artificial): a natural bridge.
2. based on the state of things in nature; constituted by nature: Growth is a natural process.
3. of or pertaining to nature or the universe: natural beauty.
5. in a state of nature; uncultivated, as land. **[or even hair. :O]
6. growing spontaneously, without being planted or tended by human hand, as vegetation.
7. having undergone little or no processing and containing no chemical additives: natural food; natural ingredients. Compare organic (def. 11). **one of my personal faves..."I got that organic hair"...lol
8. having a real or physical existence, as opposed to one that is spiritual, intellectual, fictitious, etc.
11. free from affectation or constraint: a natural manner. **yes, yes.
13. consonant with the nature or character of.
15. based upon the innate moral feeling of humankind: natural justice. **i don't get it, but i like it!
16. in conformity with the ordinary course of nature; not unusual or exceptional.
17. happening in the ordinary or usual course of things, without the intervention of accident, violence, etc.
19. related by blood rather than by adoption. **or by genetics, rather than alteration through chemicals
21. true to or closely imitating nature: a natural representation.
22. unenlightened or unregenerate: the natural man. **why couldn't it be "the natural woman? very sexist in my opinion; "natural haired woman..."
23. being such by nature; born such: a natural fool. **ahahahahahaha
25. not treated, tanned, refined, etc.; in its original or raw state: natural wood; natural cowhide. **natural hair
27. not tinted or colored; undyed.
30. having or showing feelings, as affection, gratitude, or kindness, considered part of basic human nature.
31. Afro (def. 1). **actually some people get perms to have an afro. i disagree...but anywho.
34. an idiot. **:DDDDD
36. Afro (def. 2). **oh so theres twooo definitions...

i wish not to
give you all [whoever reads this blog lol]
the definitions to afro...
that is a whole other post,
but these are the lvoely definitions
of "natural,"
the ones i liked or i thought
pertained to natural hair.

my favorites were:

1. existing in or formed by nature (opposed to artificial): a natural bridge.
--opposed to artificial is the key phrase here. when you are "natural," you do not alter yourself in any sort of way. i will not lie: i do get french tips, but only once in a while [;D]. but in the context of hair, i believe your hair should be kept natural. there is no need to put chemicals in it because you want your hair to look like someone elses. it grows out of your head the way it does, because it is formed by nature, genetics, etc. leave it that way. there is a reason why it grows the way it does.

**addition 7 8: no two people have the same hair. i've heard of "hair twins," but there is usually some sort of difference.

2. based on the state of things in nature; constituted by nature: Growth is a natural process.
--hair growth is a natural process. leave all the miracle grow, pills, blah blah blah in the store. let your hair be!

7. having undergone little or no processing and containing no chemical additives: natural food; natural ingredients.
--the same as number 1: DO NOT ALTER YOUR HAIR! let it be freeeee!

**addition 7 8: let your hair be organic! :D

11. free from affectation or constraint: a natural manner.
--when you relax or perm your hair, you are constraining your natural hair. it wants to show out, but you won't let it.

19. related by blood rather than by adoption.
--or by genetics, rather than alteration through chemicals. i know, very good observation :D

25. not treated, tanned, refined, etc.; in its original or raw state: natural wood; natural cowhide. ---natural hair

i personally believe that sltering hair in an unnatural state is pure insecurity. with our society today, you have to be one way to fit in:

skinny, long straight hair, light skin, and either petite or tall.

this is our "natural." but i hate this "natural" we [especially women] have to live up to. it really isn't "natural" because we have to go to the gym to shed off that 50 pounds, we have to get extensions and constantly break out that hot axx flat iron, or whip out that box of relaxer to make our hair straight. then, THEN we must buy that top-of-the-line bleaching cream to give the impression that we have lighter skin [and then white women break out that tanning lotion to also send the impression that they have "sun-kissed skin"].

ugh.

it costs so much to become "natural" when its so much cheaper to be natural. why can't i just walk around with my "kinky, bushy, nappy" melanin rich hair, or with my dark lucious skin, and my lvoely thick thighs without feeling pressured to look like her?

i've been getting a relaxer since i was 7. the initial reason of why i first got a relaxer was because my mother was a nurse and didn't have time to do my hair.

okay, fine.

but then...high school came around. thats when the relaxer was applied religiously every 6 weeks. not even eight, but six. i didn't know that i was altering myself. i really didn't. and i didn't even know that i didn't know why i would get the relaxers.

i'm glad i woke up.

** such an abrupt stop aye? well i did that to get your mind thinking. plus i don't really like conclusions. my EWRT 1A teacher Paula used to get mad at me all the time for that...she would always say "stop leading me on. gosh!" lol.

anywho...get to thinking.

Taurus Horoscopes
(Apr 20 - May 20)
Yesterday Today Tomorrow
Sunday, Jul 5th, 2009

You may be sad to say goodbye to your key planet Venus as she moves from your steady sign into flirty Gemini. But all is not lost, for the love goddess enters your 2nd House of Self-Worth, enabling you to feel more confident about yourself and your financial situation. Use your charm to attract people who are fun and easy to be with, rather than those who might bring unnecessary drama.

**it's amazing how these darn things are alwys on point.

empowerment.

this was my response to a comment on a post from black girl with long hair. i really started feeling it lol.

amazing peice! hopefully this makes its way to other people with tiny mindsets!

to me, i think natural hair is power. the way this is proved is through the many comments people get about their hair. nobody would say anything if it wasn't powerful.

i guess the best thing we all can do is just embrace our curls. who cares what anyone has to say. by caring, you show them that they are more powerful than you are.

with black people, it's like we all want to be accepted by white people or all of the other people who really could care less. they keep putting us down for the way we are--our natural selves--because they know for a fact that they can bring us down. if you tell a white person "i don't like your hair" i don't think they would give a damn. they'd be like "well i like it." so let's do the same. surprise their axxes with the same response they give us. [i really dont mean to offend anyone with this next comment, i'm just trying to make a point lol, but] it's almost like they still have a master-slave relationship with people of color. :O how do we break that "relationship?" by embracing ourselves. it usually takes one, but all of us need to put them in their places.

i say, we should do exactly what we all did as kids when our mothers and fathers would tell us something we didn't want to hear: let it go through one ear and out the other.

if you know in your heart you are beautiful, let it be. the others will come around sooner or later.

** maaan what i said might be a little controversial, but it's true lol. and don't get me wrong, i like some white people. some get on my nerves sometimes, but for the most part, most of the white people i have met are kind and actually like black people. but i really do feel like we always try to impress them and it's like who cares? stop trying to impress someone who might not even care. embrace yourself and don't let anyone tell you, you are ugly, or your hair is nappy. be natural. and keep it simple.

it's funny becasue there are other things we should care about like our health and safety, yet we are arguing anf fighting for people to accept our hair. i don't think anyone will ever get our hair and melanin and things like that--things that pertain to black people. i think we need to stop trying to explain it to them and start moving on to other things. we may get ridiculed by people, but so what.

i am glad i am going natural. i plan to cut off my insecurity/ies on august 6, 2009. why such a specific date? i'll tell you: august 6, 2008 was the last time i ever put a relaxer on my head, and august 6, 2009 will be the last time i will EVER, i repeat: EVER have a relaxer on my head. i'm cutting the relaxed [insecuritied <--ha! new word] hair to release 2 inches of curled, nappy, thick A F R I C A N hair lol. [oh ya, by the way i'm sierra leonean and guniean, born in america; in case you were wondering why A F R I C A N was there :D].

P O W E R
T O
T H E
C U R L S !

i think i have an obsession...

with cardigans and sweaters! lol
chickdowntown.com and a new blog
i am following, finaforever.com,
are giving away a really cute one!
for free!
you can enter on
finaforever.com...instructions are simple!

**pondering the many ways
that sweater can be worn** lol

anywho
checkout both of their sites
and see exactly whats up!
chickdowntown.com has many designers
on their site
and finaforever.com has many
other giveaways...
and awesome style!
so makesure you check the two out!

beyonce + plastic surgery

wow.
lol waaack!

first off--
beyonce's boobs may have gotten bigger,
but that doesn't mean she got a
breast augmentation...
it means that her boobs were
smaller when she was younger and probably
got bigger when she got older...
your boobs do not stay the same size forever
hormones do kick in...

as for her nose...
all of the pics i've seen
are one pic of her frowning
and the other is her grinning or smiling...
of course thats gunna change the appearance of her nose...
when you smile your nose spreads...

her lips:
apparently they got thinner...
well uhm same shxt as the nose pics
one pic is her frowning
the other smiling

and in addition...
they do airbrush pics!

and even if she did
get surgery and i'm just ranting for no reason,
who gives a shxt.
i don't approve of plastic sugery,
but thats her business.

omg! i caint wait to see this movie!

i've never been so proud to read

a book and then watch the movie!!!!

aaaah! i cant wait!

the novel is truly precious.

maaaaan. what a trip.

crazy stuff!
who would've ever thought
that m.j.
would be gone so soon?

i think he's suffered enough though.
all of the negative media attention,
the financial problems,
his sickness (whatever he was sick of)...
it has all come to an end.

now he can moon walk
and grab his groin
in heaven and in peace!

all he really ever wanted
was to stay young
and be a kid again,
he has his chance now
to live forever in our hearts and minds.

i'm sure all of the fallen stars
are having fun up there!

R.I.P. to m.j. and all of the fallen stars up there!

:D

bored [no title yet]

i have no clue of what a broken heart feels like.

does it feel like
a star that blew up?

does it feel like
when your tounge gets stuck
on the metal ice cube tray?

does it feel like
when a dog bites you in the axx?

does it feel like
when you were a kid
and lost your favorite teddy bear?

does it feel like
when you smash your fingers in the car door?

or does it feel like
a heart attack?

does it feel like
a broken arm?

i have no clue of what a broken heart feels like...
guess im blessed.

8 toxic personalities...

8 Toxic personalities to avoid
by Brett Blumenthal - Sheer Balance, on Wed May 13, 2009 8:01am PDT

Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn't so. Personally, I've had moments where I'll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I'll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails. Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.

Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative. Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional. Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.
Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives. And, although we are all human and have our 'issues,' some 'issues' are quite frankly, toxic. They are toxic to our happiness. They are toxic to our mental outlook. They are toxic to our self-esteem. And they are toxic to our lives. They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.

Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:
1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.

Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.

2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."

Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.

3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.

Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.

4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'. If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.

Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.

5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.

Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.

6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.

Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.

7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.

Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.

8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.

Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.

All of these personalities have several things in common. 1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue. 2) Unfortunately, most of these people don't see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one. 3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.
Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity. If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you'll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities? What have you done? Any personalities you would add?

i've gotta make [u] [s] work.

the time has come again.
i'm fighting for a lvoe that
i now know i can win.
i'm living for this bond,
in mutual sin,
this lvoe within...
it keeps me alive and breathing.

letters, words, phrases,
and i preach of lvoe.
lvoe for you,
lvoe for me,
lvoe for "we,"
lvoe for everything in between.

i ask for this lvoe to be
true and pure.
this lvoe to be ideal.
this lvoe to sustain the status quo.
this lvoe to be real.

you are a reflective of me.
i am a reflective of you.
promise me that we will conquer all
and together create
and give birth to something that
will be created out of our lvoe for one another.

with this i ask of you to be there for me,
as i wil be there for you.

in lvoe.

y u m m y .

my new favorite glasses:

come & gone.

may is almost coming to end--
it has [almost] come
and gone
like a stripper with your money.
i'm 19.
my life is rolling on by
as everyone watches.
pretty soon i'm going to be old,
and walking with a walker.
oh boy.

plain & simple.

i don't like anything too flashy.
i like to keep it simple and classy
i guess thats why the people,
they don't like me.
i'm not on or in.
everytime i try i know i cannot win.
at least by next year
i know my clothes will have not died.
i pair 'em up,
juice 'em up
by the time i'm done
at least i know they're still alive.
there was times
where i wanted to be "fly"--but
i'm not a big spender
i feel that big spenders are hiding from
the very issues that
are kept in the depths of their minds.
insecurities.
impurities.
the lies.
i do not feel,
but despise.
run off in your his names,
and her names,
initials
and whatever you may desire.
but i,
i stay in my
dress up,
dress down styles.
i don't like anything too flashy.
i like to keep it simple and classy.

wish i was bold enough.

You're always head cheerleader for your friends' love lives --
have you ever thought about doing the same on your own?
It's time to take center stage and tell yourself that
whatever you want to happen can happen.

my festive birthday [as posted via myspace]

May 13, 2009 7:15 PM
Subject: wow. so today was festive.

Body:
5:30 am - alarm goes off..."shxt." snooze.

5:40 am - alarm goes off again. "alright i gues i've gotta get up"

5:43 am - shower

6:13 am - first set of text messages arrive

6:45 am - giligan swoops lol

7:30 am - core conditioning teacher starts to kill us

8:20 am - "finally" class is overrr.

9:30 am - pop culture

10:30 am - ewrt 2. teacher is on crack

11:30 am - 1:30 pm - food and convos...

and then

1:30 - 3:10 - HUMAN SEXUALITY.

need i say more?

i shall:

soft porn. oral sex. pussy. dick. condoms. bc. spermicide. axx. tounge. doggy-style. side-by-side. she on top. he on top. acrobatic lady. harder. softer. masturbation. breasts. vibrator. fingers. unshaved. shaved. female condoms. slurping. fat. long. hard. pleasure. whatturnsyouon. dominatrix. bondage. suck. 69. tongue. mouth. no teeth. "wiggling". wettttt. fxck. clit. headwithnobrain. axx hole. gay. straight. bi. fetish. rough sex. soft sex. "go slow". communication. sex outside. sex inside. sex on top. shxt maybe sex upside down. 1 partner. 8 partners. anal.

ohh it was festive.

V E R Y festive.

happy birthday to me

happy birthday to me!
happy birthday to me!
happy birthday dear meeeeeeeeee!
happy birthday to me!

yessss! ms. 19 today y'all...

envy:

Taurus Horoscopes
(Apr 20 - May 20)
Yesterday Today Tomorrow
Sunday, May 10th, 2009

Questioning your values isn't a productive activity today,
even if a disagreement over money makes you wonder
if your priorities need to be rearranged.
It feels as if whatever you choose,
you're revealing desires that are not as lofty or as altruistic as others.
But
[envy here] Comparing yourself to anyone else is pointless;
everyone is different.
Just be true to yourself in all that you do.
If you don't have integrity,
your motives will seem artificially transparent.

pt 2

this poooooooooor child!
what is wrong with you?
lol lol lol lol lol
fml this shxt is funny as all hell!!!

i think she's sloow...
why did her parents give her a dayum camera???
oh my geezaus:

BE WITH YOU BY YOUNGIN SAINT

wtfmfs this is sooooooo funny...

im 2 much

maaaan.

like i lvoe rihanna right,
i may even have a sliiight
"girl crush"
[let's get some shxt right though,
i wouldn't want to fxck her,
i just think she's fabulous]

buuuuuut:
http://www.ihiphop.com/?p=16671

do you catch my drift? lol
man o man.

i knew she wasn't a "good" island girl,
island girls are N E V E R "good."

--signing off-

aaaah!

what to wear?
what to wear?
what not to wear? shxxxt.
lol
my birthday is approaching fast
and i need a darn outfit! lol

this post is so random....

i think of myself as

a disturbed soul.

dreamer of dreams.
broke fashionista, who shows it; litterally.

confused.

a lvoe sick, individual.

an all natural chick.

laid back, chill.

a woman with a golden heart.

lvoeable.

exciting.

once-in-a-while-adventurist.

having itchy feet.

someone of importance.



so how come everyone else
doesnt feel the same way?

these are the thoughts of a bored
female.

lol

its funny how its usually the "fans"
who start the drama between artists...

youtube: "keri hilson turning me on remix"
funny shxt
just because she said "you need to step to the left"
they automatically think its about beyonce...
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE PUT THAT IN THEIR SONGS?
and who the fxck cares if it's about beyonce...
wtf...
she doesn't care....
she makes hella bank.
i think both bxtches are dope.
so drop it dag nabbit.

ignorant people:

word in the "music world" is

that keri hilson dissed beyonce & ciara in her turning me on remix...

ahahahahahahahaha

the funny shxt:

ALL of beyonce's fans

are like fxck keri,

she's ugly, blah blah blah

when they dont even know if its true.

it could be,

but wtf....who fxcking cares? lol

i've heard soooooooo many people

put "you need to step to the left"

in their songs...

sooooooooooooooooooooooo how is this about beyonce?

!

a little bit of african music...

i have no clue what he is saying,
but

1] he's sexy
2] this song is hella pertty
3] he has a nice voice!!!! [terrible english singer though]

mr. henriques:

my first hubby:

uuuhhhh!

this is for all the slags:

afta-1

if you don't know,

now you know...

J*DaVeY
is my favorite duo of aaaaaaaall
time!!!!

hey look: listen: it's little dragon again: test:

since i am bored....

i have decided to post a whole
shxt load
of music
in the form of a youtube video....
enjoy...

welcome: to what intrigues me

listen again...

this is my shxt!

listen;

d. rose

so fiiiiiiine...

feels like its getting hot,

he's so fiiiine...

this boy needa wife me up

he's so fine...

feel like its getting hot...

so fiiine!

as posted on myspace: as;

my birthday approaches, i'm getting more and more excited! funny coz just a couple months ago, i wasnt psyched A T A L L . i'm still celebrating it silently though...shopping with my bestie is all i need.

oh and food.
oh and being almost naked.
oh and being in the city...
oh and seeing the cutie-bo-dudies walk by.

why invite hella people to celebrate when only 4/10 that you invite will show up, and some how forget the fxcking gifts? why waste all that $ on expensive axx food when you can go shopping? :D if anyone else is interested, i'm not tripping. however, i didn't tell anyone for a reason. i hate taking people shopping-especially when they have no mula in their wallets. you can usually tell in their face that they're mad coz you got something they liked...you can tell they're boiling inside.

aha.

anywho...i dunno, i guess i'm happy because i get to leave 18 behind and gain another year until i become an adult, [2 more to drink] no more teen shxt...[almost] i thank God for letting me have another year on earth to live with almost no problems-except the natural human issues...hopefully 19 & the rest of 2009 together, bring me a good year of life, hopes, accomplishments, lvoe [aha, right], more independence, lessons, and whatever else comes along the way. i'm gonna be on some new shxt, so don't bring the bullshxt pleeeaase! i already have enough issues, so don't add to the existing ones. i'm usually someone who likes to be cool with people, but once you push my buttons, you push my buttons. i'm always one to listen, and i dont judge [at that moment...lol]

thank you in advance.

**why did i post this? coz i'm a gee like that, and was horribly bored.

ever changing...

ever since i started college
i feel like i've acquired a
whole other mindset...
i mean college does do that to you,
but i don't know how to explain it.
i'm just nawt entirely the same chick
i used to be.

my favorite word;

elegance

Definition: cultivated beauty, taste

Synonyms: breeding, charm, class, courtliness, cultivation, culture, delicacy, dignity, discernment, distinction, exquisitness, felicity, gentility, good taste, grace, gracefulness, grandeur, hauter, lushness, luxury, magnificence, nicety, nobility, noblesse, ornateness, polish, politeness, poshness, propriety, purity, refinement, restraint, rhythm, sophistication, splendor, stlye, sumptuousness, symmetry, tastefulness

of course each of these words has
their own synonyms,
but that would be a little too much...

aaah.
"elegance"
such a wonderful word.
:D

is it me?

or has april been a really slow month?
i'm turning 19 next month,
and at this rate,
i'll be 30 by then.
geez.

...on the contrary;

i'm lvoeable.
ready to lvoe
i'm silly & goofy,
and when i'm not depressed,
i will be able to make you laugh.
i'm open-minded.
i got my mind right.
you will most likely be "the one."
[hopefully] you'll be my first :D.
i'm a goodas, not a slag.
i will stay faithful to you.
i'm caring.
i will always listen when you need to be heard.
i can keep a secret.
i will be your down-axx-chick.
i lvoe pretty hard.
i appreciate life.
i'm usually not into all the hype.

i feel terribly bad for my future husband.

i may have an alcohol problem.
i'm stubborn.
i'm lazy.
i am emotionally disturbed.
i have alter egos.
i'm not a cuddler.
i tell it like it is.
i bicker and i am an arguer.
i do everything yletisoppo.
you will be living in my world.
i'm very self-centered.
i get what i want.
i'm a shopaholic.
i whine
and i complain.
i change my mind all too often.
[one day i'll lvoe you, the other i won't]
i have persistent mood swings.
i keep secrets.
i'm afraid of expressing my emotions.
i have a hard time conversing with humans.
i get mad easily.
i take everything offensively.
i'm sensitive.
my nose is kept up in the air.
i have this "i don't care attitude."
i get depressed a lot-sometimes over nothing.
i'm forgettful.
i play tricks on people.
i only give out one chance,
you only get 2 if i even lvoe you that much.
i tend to get jealous.
my name is maribel;
and i have issues.

what i realized...

What did you realize today?
the sky is purple. [yes i think so]
boys are a waste of time,
especially during their quarter life crises. [i thought i made that up, turns up im smart]
college is worth it.
life is worth living,
although it has negative things involved in between.
"everyone is born unique, but we die as copies."

a t t a c h e d .

i feel like the thing i was "attached" to
is no longer there.

you know what?

so tired of the bullshxt.
i've tried to be nice,
but now i don't give a fxck.
personally,
i can give a fxck what really happens now.
you are very undeserving of...
well everything.

i'm fancy.
you should try to get like it.
:D

kids these days.

they are ahead of their time.
they want to do "grown people" things
and have sex with all the boys & girls they please.
it's not like in the movies
when the children used to play and have fun-
they were kids.
but these kids these days,
they have no control.
they see what is on the television...
monkey see,
monkey do.
they believe what they are doing is right.
drinking.
smoking.
sexing.
killing.
raping.
how old are you?
you look 20 when you're only 15.
who is in control?
they can no longer be called children.
they are no longer children.
there is no other word to describe them,
than a nuisance.
where have you gone children?
rather than you,
we have these nuisances to take your place...

you innocent children where have you gone?

your mothers & fathers miss you the most.
where is the respect they deserve?
it's almost as if you all
have been kidnapped,
and stripped of your childhood.
what you see on the television is not real,
it is all an illusion.
if only you knew the tricks they play[ed] on you,
maybe you all would come back;

the children,
where have they gone?

Chozen Heart

visit his myspace to listen!:

http://www.myspace.com/chozeakajohnnymartian

to: crush #45

i was feeling you.
i don't know what may have changed my mind about you,
but now my feelings have slowly
faded away from your direction.
i think i still feel you,
but your actions make me wonder
if the feelings are mutual.

oh well.
who cares.

someday you'll realize that i
was the good one that got away.

(i've had a slight crush on this boy since 10th grade lol)

i don't know what it is

but from the looks of it,
the sound of it...

i don't what it is,
but i....

i think i'm feeling it.

i don't know what to do
with it...
what should i do with it?

i don't know what it is,
but from the looks of it,
the sound of it...
i don't know what it is,
but i...
i think i'm feeling it.

Taurus Horoscopes
(Apr 20 - May 20)
Yesterday Today Tomorrow
Monday, Mar 30th, 2009

-- A relaxing weekend quickly fades into the distant past on this busy day. It may be challenging to keep up with all that's going on now, but you'll just have to grit your teeth and do what you must. Although you may resist at first, you could actually be inspired once you find a creative voice that's in touch with your hopes and dreams.

kids maybe?

i don't know yet. i was thinking about how when people have kids, they are their pride & joy. however, as their little pride & joy grows up into the world, they change--of course people change, but in our world today; all the violence, loss of respect, drugs, diseases, pre-marital sex / raging hormones, prostitution, rape, molestation [by mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, cousins, uncles, aunts, grandfathers, and grandfathers], etc.--the way children change today is for the worse. some children will kill their parents, some won't. some children will hurt other people, some won't. some children will become addicted to drugs, some won't. there is a 50/50 chance that your child will turn on you.

do i really want to bring up a child in this world?

i kind of understand why my mom did what she did; by alienating me from the dangers of the world, i've become naive--not the naive that doesn't recognize when something is wrong/sounds right--the naive that hasn't experienced many of the hardships many people have been through [i don't understand that myself].

the world is a crazy place. people are almost "trained" to become serial killers; some will be "trained" to be psychopaths; some will be "trained" to spread open their legs for anything that walks and has a penis, or stick it in anything that has a vagina; some will be "trained" to be hurt or partake in the hurting of other people. it brings tears to my eyes really.

will my kid(s) hate me? will my kid(s) lvoe themselves enough to know that they don't need to conform to what is going on around them? will my kid(s) be comfortable in life? will my kid(s) be able to handle the hardships of life? i don't know. no one does, but these concerns continuously play in my mind. i wonder if my kid(s) will make me happy and proud or break my heart. i hate being hurt, and i would hate for my kids to be hurt as well. especially with the whites of america setting up anyone who is a color other than pink/white for failure. ever since taking sociology, my world, my senses have been open. it is that "thing" that made me wonder if i should bring a kid into this world.

is it really worth it?

at any given moment, something could happen in our life as a family. if i do end up having a kid or two, i want them to be lvoed. i want to bring her/him/them up in a positive environment. i want her/him/them to be aware of the world at an early age. i want her/him/them to know and understand the way the world works so they won't be caught up in the madness. i know i can't change the way the world works, but i at least want to be able to change the way my kid(s) live in it. i want my kid(s) to smell the flowers and appreciate them. i want my kid(s) to go to the museum, and appreciate the works that lie there. i want my kid(s) to go to school, and appreciate the education they are given (and when they get home, they will receive more because the school system is hiding the important stuff). i want my kid(s) to appreciate life. with that appreciation, i believe it will keep them from all of the "bad things."

although i am too young now, i am still thinking about it.

finally!

WINTER 2009 quarter is over!

this quarter i've learned many lessons: from the "late night study sessions"; to the "early morning study sessions"; and the completethedaybeforeitisdue assignments...i have learned to start assignments the day they arrive in my hand, to time myself so i won't stay up until 4:30 in the morning trying hurry up and complete an assignment that should be due in 8 hours...

this quarter i have also learned that i need to stay focused on me, i need to be selfish, i am not going to school for anyone, but me! shopping, going out to eat, going to my friend's houses is fun, but needs to be done at a time where i've completed what needs to be done. i cannot jeorpordize my future, because i wanted to have fun. one of my good friends almost ended a quarter with a c- because she didn't complete an essay--all she did was party and go to different cities...i do not want that to be me...of course there is time for pleasure and play. however, that time is not now.

overall,
i feel V E R Y relieved. even though SPRING quarter is coming up in about a week, i feel relaxed and superly excited to be in human sexuality next quarter...o yaaaa! score! ;D one more quarter 'til summer...and considering SUMMER quarter, but not too sure if i want to take that plundge yet...

migraine...

i can sense one coming on it about....
8 hours.....
ugh.

bottle.

keeping shxt bottled up inside is not good for anyones health.

dear father,

the only time
you [old piece of shxt] want to
really speak to me
is when you're yelling at me.
i'm so tired of living in my house.
how can you listen to someone
who you feel doesnt lvoe you?
this is the exact reason why i hate being home.
i don't feel like i'm lvoed here.
you [ops] lie and say that
you pay for my food and clothing...
wtf?
you don't pay for shxt!
you havent paid for anything including the name "maribel"
since i was 12.
the main reason is because
you dont want your other children
to know that you even care for me.
you don't care.
so stop trying to act like you do
in front of everyone else.
i should embarass your axx one of these days.
you always want to talk big shxt,
but never live up to the shxt you say.
sometimes i sit in car
wanting to be involved in an accident
so i won't have to go through this shxt anymore.
this is bullshxt.
i hate you and fxck off.
if you were my real father,
i would see it.
but you're not.
i wish you werent shxt to me,
but you just had to stick 23 chromosomes
on to my DNA.
i don't think i'll ever be happy with you here.
and thats a fact.
i'm depressed all the time.
i havent really cared for myself in a long time.
my soul is lost.
and it's all because of you.
i hate you.

i think i miss you.
all of the emotions;
the struggles,
the wins,
the losses,
the blood,
sweat,
and tears.

i think i miss you.
becoming one as we constructed
the different positions.
playing with you was wild.
trying to keep us as one;
in-sync with one another.
me trying to control you,
you trying to control me.
so cliche,
but it truly was ecstacy.

i think i miss you.
the sound of great victory
when we won eachother over.
you made me a winner.
the excitement,
the increase in lvoe for you.

i think i miss you.
but the different affairs we went through
changed it all.
now we miss eachother.
when will i go back to you?
we were so good...

i still miss you.

maribel vs. what's her face.

maribel:
quiet & nice.
simple, calm, chill.
the brainy/nerdy one.
thinks with her gut,
is caring, and independent.
knows when to get serious.
depressed.
lazy.
watches the tele all day.
trustworthy-will never let you down.
doesn't lie.
needy.
is a winer [happily :D]
color = turquoise.
music taste = soul, neo-soul, r&b, jazz.
style = laidback, a little matchy at times
[you can find her in a sweater and some jeans on certain days]

whats her face:
loud & obnoxious.
doesn't care about other people's feelings.
abundant in sex appeal--a little too abundant.
lies.
drinks, does drugs [not crazy ones].
not very reliable.
selfish.
does crazy things.
ain't afraid of shxt.
has road rage.
color = coral.
music taste = electro, hip-hop, club refixes
style = dressed up, hoochie mommmmaaaaaa!

i have no idea why i posted this,
but for the record:
i believe in alter egos, and believe i have one as well.

depressed

no more!
for the time being at least.
who ever knew school could
be so darn stressful?
i feel like a part of me has been
taken away from me...
well:
i'm almost done with my essay...
i was trippin about the 8-10 page
requirement,
but after completing 7 and
still having one more page to complete
i feel like i've kicked some De Anza axx!
why write a blog about it?
because i'm dope like that.
plus i wanted to share the fact that
i have no more frustrations....
for today at least.

why are you so good to me?
my pain fades away
like the clouds on a sunny day
when i feel you.
you make me feel so good
almost like there could be two of you.

s e l f i s h .

i've come to the realization that
i need to be selfish.
i never put myself first
and i end up paying for it.
this might be random, but
i think i'm an acute follower.
instead of focusing on what i need
to do,
i follow others
and it causes all my shxt to get messed up.
i don't know,
but i think it has to do with
me feeling alone...
so i jump at any opportunity
i can to be with someone...

however,
since it fxcks me over,
i have chosen to be selfish.
nawt a selfish bastard,
but selfish.
making sure my shxt is done
before anyone else gets my two sense
[or is it cents? w/e].

this is the only way for me to succeed
in life...
i can't sit here and waste my time
for ANYONE.

my life has been engulfed by you.
your presence only makes me shiver.
the thought of us failing,
makes me sick.
my whole life depends upon you,
something that is ever clear.
my life wouldn't make any sense if
you didn't.
lvoe cannot describe
what we have.
we are almost joined at the hip.
you are my baby...
my lvoer,
my joy (sometimes).
without you,
without us succeeding-
there is nothing.
only pure grief,
silence...
i have poured as many thoughts
as i could; can,
as you have done the same...
you have taught me to think
not only with my mind,
but my heart,
soul,
hands,
and eyes.
may we continue to be blessed together
from now,
until forever...

AMEN.

as i stroke the letters of the
alphabet on to you,
promise me you will make sense
of us.