oi.

i'm so confused about what i really want to do.
ok well maybe i do know what i want to do,
but i'm confused about what everyone else wants me to do.

what am i speaking of?
my career.

if it was up to me,
like seriously,
up to me,
i would like to be a fashion designer.
i have so many
designs in my head it's crazy
how it all fits up there.

but my father doesn't want me to fulfill that dream.
to him,
it's foolish.

so then i decided,
maybe i'll do business,
then maybe i'll accounting,
or maybe i'll do international business instead--
to make my father happy.

ya well that didn't go so well.

then i decided that maybe
social work will be good for me since
i lvoe being nosey and i like to help people.
these are everyone's replies:

"emotionally hard"
"no pay"
"psychologically difficult"
"very little money"
"why do you want to do that?"

again,
another dream out the window.

so what am i left with?
my mom has been drilling me about
physical, occupational, and speech therapy.
i chose physical therapy,
but now she's drilling me about occupational.
a doctorate of physical therapy will take me
between 3-7 years [because i wasn't able to find an excat "timeline" of when i'll be done because the people who answered the questions before me might have not been physical therapists themselves].

............oi.

i don't know if i should just quit
and start over again
or take a looooooooooooong vacation
away from everyone else to think
and get my mind clear.

maybe jamaica.
there are some fine men there.
lol i'm only 19,
but it wouldn't hurt to look
[aha! just saying]

i d k .

i may need to do a lot of soul searching
to find who i am
and not how people want me to be.
after all,
i am going to school to pursue a career for me
and me only.
i really don't know who i am.
usually a person likes a couple things.
i like them A L L .
a normal human being knows what they want--
i don't. i can never make up my mind.
what i am trying to get at is maybe i really am like her
[her being a character i'm using for a story line
for my designs. her name is so cool!]
i'm lost and i can't find my way home.
i can't find my voice nor can i find my soul either.

do you see how one small thing can afffect one's train of thought?

oi.