i've always been afraid of germs, but some recent event [that i choose not to speak of] have made my mysophobia worse:
2 weeks ago i began washing my hands constantly and making sure i didnt touch anything anyone touched. i didnt eat for a week and a half because i didn't know what utensils people ate off. [i lost six pounds] i have a fear of touching the fridge or microwave because someone else might have touched it. i use a napkin to open anything. when i go up and down the stairs i makesure i dont touch the railing and if i think i did i run down the stairs to wash my hands. i even get nervous to wash my hands because i don't know who touched it before me.
i buy my own water for my room and "claim" my own cup.
my dad sneezed in my room a couple days ago and i had a serious breakdown. i cried and cried in the bathroom until i had a migraine. i was shaking and felt like throwing up. i felt like my room was my safe place from his germs until he sneezed...i must have sprayed my room down like a freak. if my mom doesn't hide that lysol from me, i might get permanent brain dramage. seriously. she told me i need to calm down in her serious im-your-mother-so-listen-to-me-tone. i took it into consideration, but it didnt help.
now when i go outside i dont open any doors until someone opens them for me or i rush to the door that is closing and open it with my wrist or elbow. i can't shake peoples hands without feeling like i need scalding water to wash my hands. i dont even like hugging people anymore...and you know how some people spit when they talk? i feel like i should just shoot myself right there. i used to leave my door closed, but now i leave it open so people wont touch my door knob.
i have to think of things like peanut butter [which i'm allergic to lol], peaches, bananas, strawberries, melons, etc. to keep my mind off of viruses and bacteria. i had another breakdown because a particular word kept [and still is] flashing through my brain, thats when the words started happening. its getting better, but it still manages to flash in my brain a couple time. i started to cry horribly and was curled up in a "child's pose" on the floor in the hallway. i couldn't stop crying and i felt like i was becoming psychotic.
i used to be able to touch door knobs and the fridge door or shake peoples hands before [i would still wash them] but now it has gotten worse...
i stay in my room even more than i used to and dread going out sometimes. i'm afraid someone who has an uncurable disease is going to spit on me or if i have a cut on my hand theytouch me and i'm going to get their disease as well.
**This post is about germs creative aye?
i don't know. i think i need help.
oh ya, and i was thinking about not having kids because i dont them to have to worry about germs or get sick at a young age. and i was also thinking about not getting married either because i dont want my husband to have or give me something...and i have this belief that ALL men are unfaithful and will bring weird shxt into the house.
and no tattoos. sometimes the tattoo artists dont change the needles or will put used ink back in the bottles or even use the same cap from someone else. especially your "homeboys." sometimes even the most sincere gestures can get you into trouble. the same goes with peircings as well.
ugh. i'm really starting to discover how serious this shxt is. i feel like monk.
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