your satisfaction does not concern me...

i don't know.
just decided to say that lol.
i'm feeling very...
disjointed?

no.

yes.

disjointed from my emotions?

no.

disjointed from my body?

yes.

i feel like i'm nutzo.
[i'm not, but i feel like it]

alter ego?
hmmmmmm.
everyone meet xia-xuxa

[zee-yah--shoo-sha].

:D

oi.

i'm so confused about what i really want to do.
ok well maybe i do know what i want to do,
but i'm confused about what everyone else wants me to do.

what am i speaking of?
my career.

if it was up to me,
like seriously,
up to me,
i would like to be a fashion designer.
i have so many
designs in my head it's crazy
how it all fits up there.

but my father doesn't want me to fulfill that dream.
to him,
it's foolish.

so then i decided,
maybe i'll do business,
then maybe i'll accounting,
or maybe i'll do international business instead--
to make my father happy.

ya well that didn't go so well.

then i decided that maybe
social work will be good for me since
i lvoe being nosey and i like to help people.
these are everyone's replies:

"emotionally hard"
"no pay"
"psychologically difficult"
"very little money"
"why do you want to do that?"

again,
another dream out the window.

so what am i left with?
my mom has been drilling me about
physical, occupational, and speech therapy.
i chose physical therapy,
but now she's drilling me about occupational.
a doctorate of physical therapy will take me
between 3-7 years [because i wasn't able to find an excat "timeline" of when i'll be done because the people who answered the questions before me might have not been physical therapists themselves].

............oi.

i don't know if i should just quit
and start over again
or take a looooooooooooong vacation
away from everyone else to think
and get my mind clear.

maybe jamaica.
there are some fine men there.
lol i'm only 19,
but it wouldn't hurt to look
[aha! just saying]

i d k .

i may need to do a lot of soul searching
to find who i am
and not how people want me to be.
after all,
i am going to school to pursue a career for me
and me only.
i really don't know who i am.
usually a person likes a couple things.
i like them A L L .
a normal human being knows what they want--
i don't. i can never make up my mind.
what i am trying to get at is maybe i really am like her
[her being a character i'm using for a story line
for my designs. her name is so cool!]
i'm lost and i can't find my way home.
i can't find my voice nor can i find my soul either.

do you see how one small thing can afffect one's train of thought?

oi.

aftermath (with commentary):

man that extra
dose of caffeine
yesterday had me messed up!

first of all--
i didn't sleep until 11:30 or something like that.
and then i felt like i only slept for
three hours because the rest of the time,
i felt like i was awake.

i usually wake up around
5:30 am so i can get ready for
my core conditioning class [highly recommened!]
which starts at 7:30.
i didn't get up until maybe 6
and didn't leave the house until 6:50-ish.
[yes it takes me that long.
and that was me rushing :D]

i arrived at class
and was okay at first because i was used to
core conditioning from last quarter,
but today was not my day.
towards the end,
i skipped the "after stretches"
and left.

i changed and then met up
with my friend sheldon to study for
our political science class: american politics and gov't.
uhm....we studied for nothing
because our teacher only put
25% of the stuff we learned in the test,
and the other 75% was some crazy stuff!
ok,
well maybe i exaggerated,
it was more like 40% in-class,
60% crazy stuff.
i just hope i passed!

my last class of the day was speech.
the "come down" effect
from my caffeine "high" helped control
my nerves when we had to give our
"introductory" speeches
of why we are attending college...
bladdi bladdi bladda
everyone said my speech was good,
so i was okay.

after that,
i jumped in the car to head home.

i explained a dream i had to my friend sherdonna.
it was a ridiculous dream and part
of the reason why i couldn't go to sleep:

it was a hot day in august [of this year, futuristic dreams ha!]
and i am in so-cal...

i was in a toy store with two friends who are boys.
we were having fun and recording our adventure [nothing sexual lol]
when i did something crazy and
knocked over the bouncy balls--all of them!
ahahahahahahaha
so then the security guard decides to chase us
and we run out of the store.
there is a liquor store next to it
so i'm like "hey i want some arizona!"
[uh huh, i was dreaming about tea lol]
so we go in the store and i get my arizona
and some starbursts.
so we're "chilling" outside, sitting on the curb
and i take a swig of my tea
when a cop,
ever so slowly,
drives by.
as soon as i take my swig,
he puts his lights on,
comes out of the car, and arrests me!
[boy this is a long post...]
he arrests me for suspicion of public intoxication
[or however they would say that]
and he doesnt even do the tests first!
so he throws me in the car and i say
"i'm not going unless they come with me,
i don't know what you're going to do to me!
and you! bring my starbursts!"
[can't forget those lol]
so then he takes me, or us, to the station
and i'm making a big fuss about how he's racist
and laddi laaaaa.
so then,
we are in court because i am trying to sue his butt.
we're in court and i'm being obnoxious
and i tell the judge that officer brown [that's his name]
that he needs to go back to
the police academy to learn the proper
procedures, when someone is
suspected of being publically intoxicated
AND that he should take a full sociology course
so he can learn a lesson!
in the end i got $100k
and homeboy officer brown had to pay the price!
ahahahaha

oh boy.

when i got home today,
i was draaaaaained!
i still am right now.
and i didn't eat all day [because i am broke]
and i finally ate at like 8 o'clock.
[i usually don't eat after 6].
now i'm terribly sleepy.

g'night world.
sleep tight.
don't let the viruses attack your computer tonight!

ting-a-lingin' it

i have been on a "natural high"
for the past 6 hours!

no, no, no!
stop the press!
breaking news!

i know why i'm so..."high?" [lol]
i had a big can of arizona iced tea in peach flavor!
and THEN,
when i got home
i enjoyed blueberry tea with lime
and like 2 tablespoons of brown sugar
[i have a sweet tooth]
that i put in the fridge earlier
because it was too hot!
i didn't get to drink it or else
i would have been late for speech class!

yes!
i have come to a conclusion!
lol

but anywho!
tea puts me in a really great mood then huh?
ahaha
la la la la!

however,
someone informed me (is that correct?)
that tea sucks up most or all
of the iron in your body...
uh-oh! not good.
i need that iron so i won't be anemic!

:O

n a t u r a l hair.

yes, yes.
N A T U R A L!

these are my favorite definitions of natural
from dictionary.com [yes, i know, i am very lazy lol]

1. existing in or formed by nature (opposed to artificial): a natural bridge.
2. based on the state of things in nature; constituted by nature: Growth is a natural process.
3. of or pertaining to nature or the universe: natural beauty.
5. in a state of nature; uncultivated, as land. **[or even hair. :O]
6. growing spontaneously, without being planted or tended by human hand, as vegetation.
7. having undergone little or no processing and containing no chemical additives: natural food; natural ingredients. Compare organic (def. 11). **one of my personal faves..."I got that organic hair"...lol
8. having a real or physical existence, as opposed to one that is spiritual, intellectual, fictitious, etc.
11. free from affectation or constraint: a natural manner. **yes, yes.
13. consonant with the nature or character of.
15. based upon the innate moral feeling of humankind: natural justice. **i don't get it, but i like it!
16. in conformity with the ordinary course of nature; not unusual or exceptional.
17. happening in the ordinary or usual course of things, without the intervention of accident, violence, etc.
19. related by blood rather than by adoption. **or by genetics, rather than alteration through chemicals
21. true to or closely imitating nature: a natural representation.
22. unenlightened or unregenerate: the natural man. **why couldn't it be "the natural woman? very sexist in my opinion; "natural haired woman..."
23. being such by nature; born such: a natural fool. **ahahahahahaha
25. not treated, tanned, refined, etc.; in its original or raw state: natural wood; natural cowhide. **natural hair
27. not tinted or colored; undyed.
30. having or showing feelings, as affection, gratitude, or kindness, considered part of basic human nature.
31. Afro (def. 1). **actually some people get perms to have an afro. i disagree...but anywho.
34. an idiot. **:DDDDD
36. Afro (def. 2). **oh so theres twooo definitions...

i wish not to
give you all [whoever reads this blog lol]
the definitions to afro...
that is a whole other post,
but these are the lvoely definitions
of "natural,"
the ones i liked or i thought
pertained to natural hair.

my favorites were:

1. existing in or formed by nature (opposed to artificial): a natural bridge.
--opposed to artificial is the key phrase here. when you are "natural," you do not alter yourself in any sort of way. i will not lie: i do get french tips, but only once in a while [;D]. but in the context of hair, i believe your hair should be kept natural. there is no need to put chemicals in it because you want your hair to look like someone elses. it grows out of your head the way it does, because it is formed by nature, genetics, etc. leave it that way. there is a reason why it grows the way it does.

**addition 7 8: no two people have the same hair. i've heard of "hair twins," but there is usually some sort of difference.

2. based on the state of things in nature; constituted by nature: Growth is a natural process.
--hair growth is a natural process. leave all the miracle grow, pills, blah blah blah in the store. let your hair be!

7. having undergone little or no processing and containing no chemical additives: natural food; natural ingredients.
--the same as number 1: DO NOT ALTER YOUR HAIR! let it be freeeee!

**addition 7 8: let your hair be organic! :D

11. free from affectation or constraint: a natural manner.
--when you relax or perm your hair, you are constraining your natural hair. it wants to show out, but you won't let it.

19. related by blood rather than by adoption.
--or by genetics, rather than alteration through chemicals. i know, very good observation :D

25. not treated, tanned, refined, etc.; in its original or raw state: natural wood; natural cowhide. ---natural hair

i personally believe that sltering hair in an unnatural state is pure insecurity. with our society today, you have to be one way to fit in:

skinny, long straight hair, light skin, and either petite or tall.

this is our "natural." but i hate this "natural" we [especially women] have to live up to. it really isn't "natural" because we have to go to the gym to shed off that 50 pounds, we have to get extensions and constantly break out that hot axx flat iron, or whip out that box of relaxer to make our hair straight. then, THEN we must buy that top-of-the-line bleaching cream to give the impression that we have lighter skin [and then white women break out that tanning lotion to also send the impression that they have "sun-kissed skin"].

ugh.

it costs so much to become "natural" when its so much cheaper to be natural. why can't i just walk around with my "kinky, bushy, nappy" melanin rich hair, or with my dark lucious skin, and my lvoely thick thighs without feeling pressured to look like her?

i've been getting a relaxer since i was 7. the initial reason of why i first got a relaxer was because my mother was a nurse and didn't have time to do my hair.

okay, fine.

but then...high school came around. thats when the relaxer was applied religiously every 6 weeks. not even eight, but six. i didn't know that i was altering myself. i really didn't. and i didn't even know that i didn't know why i would get the relaxers.

i'm glad i woke up.

** such an abrupt stop aye? well i did that to get your mind thinking. plus i don't really like conclusions. my EWRT 1A teacher Paula used to get mad at me all the time for that...she would always say "stop leading me on. gosh!" lol.

anywho...get to thinking.

Taurus Horoscopes
(Apr 20 - May 20)
Yesterday Today Tomorrow
Sunday, Jul 5th, 2009

You may be sad to say goodbye to your key planet Venus as she moves from your steady sign into flirty Gemini. But all is not lost, for the love goddess enters your 2nd House of Self-Worth, enabling you to feel more confident about yourself and your financial situation. Use your charm to attract people who are fun and easy to be with, rather than those who might bring unnecessary drama.

**it's amazing how these darn things are alwys on point.

empowerment.

this was my response to a comment on a post from black girl with long hair. i really started feeling it lol.

amazing peice! hopefully this makes its way to other people with tiny mindsets!

to me, i think natural hair is power. the way this is proved is through the many comments people get about their hair. nobody would say anything if it wasn't powerful.

i guess the best thing we all can do is just embrace our curls. who cares what anyone has to say. by caring, you show them that they are more powerful than you are.

with black people, it's like we all want to be accepted by white people or all of the other people who really could care less. they keep putting us down for the way we are--our natural selves--because they know for a fact that they can bring us down. if you tell a white person "i don't like your hair" i don't think they would give a damn. they'd be like "well i like it." so let's do the same. surprise their axxes with the same response they give us. [i really dont mean to offend anyone with this next comment, i'm just trying to make a point lol, but] it's almost like they still have a master-slave relationship with people of color. :O how do we break that "relationship?" by embracing ourselves. it usually takes one, but all of us need to put them in their places.

i say, we should do exactly what we all did as kids when our mothers and fathers would tell us something we didn't want to hear: let it go through one ear and out the other.

if you know in your heart you are beautiful, let it be. the others will come around sooner or later.

** maaan what i said might be a little controversial, but it's true lol. and don't get me wrong, i like some white people. some get on my nerves sometimes, but for the most part, most of the white people i have met are kind and actually like black people. but i really do feel like we always try to impress them and it's like who cares? stop trying to impress someone who might not even care. embrace yourself and don't let anyone tell you, you are ugly, or your hair is nappy. be natural. and keep it simple.

it's funny becasue there are other things we should care about like our health and safety, yet we are arguing anf fighting for people to accept our hair. i don't think anyone will ever get our hair and melanin and things like that--things that pertain to black people. i think we need to stop trying to explain it to them and start moving on to other things. we may get ridiculed by people, but so what.

i am glad i am going natural. i plan to cut off my insecurity/ies on august 6, 2009. why such a specific date? i'll tell you: august 6, 2008 was the last time i ever put a relaxer on my head, and august 6, 2009 will be the last time i will EVER, i repeat: EVER have a relaxer on my head. i'm cutting the relaxed [insecuritied <--ha! new word] hair to release 2 inches of curled, nappy, thick A F R I C A N hair lol. [oh ya, by the way i'm sierra leonean and guniean, born in america; in case you were wondering why A F R I C A N was there :D].

P O W E R
T O
T H E
C U R L S !

i think i have an obsession...

with cardigans and sweaters! lol
chickdowntown.com and a new blog
i am following, finaforever.com,
are giving away a really cute one!
for free!
you can enter on
finaforever.com...instructions are simple!

**pondering the many ways
that sweater can be worn** lol

anywho
checkout both of their sites
and see exactly whats up!
chickdowntown.com has many designers
on their site
and finaforever.com has many
other giveaways...
and awesome style!
so makesure you check the two out!