alone

i've come to the realization that i hate being by myself. ever since i was born, i havent really had anyone that i could relate to, or play with. all my brothers and sisters are halfs-dont get me wrong, i still lvoe em like we have the same mothers-but i havent had that one to complain to when i feel like my mom is attacking me. you know? it doesnt feel the same. [plus a couple of them dont even care if i'm alive or not. if they read this, they would know exactly who they were.] it's always been me + my room + the television. i basically had to be my own friend. i guess this is why i get so shy around people and don't speak-i dont have the social skills. i've only really been around my mom. before i started driving, if you saw me, you would most likely see my mom too & vice versa. it's kind of hard for me to come at peace with this, especially because its true. my whole life-i've been alone & controlled. i think being alone has created my alter ego whatever her name is. i'm not nutzo, but i really believe in alter egos. i feel they play a big part in who we are as people. but anyway, i hate being alone. so i guess thats why i dont care when people use me, because i think "at least i wont be alone"...trust me, i'm not stupid. i know when i'm being used, but its like i'd rather be used, than be by myself. i've always had friends at school, but i can hardly call a few of them friends. they were more like aquaintences, basically the ones i havent talked to since graduation are those people, acquaintences-such a funny word. i blame my being alone on my mother. she's very controlling. although she doesnt like to admit it, she is. she's controlled what i ate, what friends i conversed with...blah blah blah. its gotten to the point where i caint even make a simple decision by myself, without asking my moms advice. i dont ever know where my gut is because i never feel it. its like i dont have a gut. its also gotten to the point where this alter ego-whoever she is; i'm afraid to get to know and understand. she's definately not like me; maribel. she's very different, and for serious, i hope she never escapes...seriously though. but anywho, my life has been a very distant memory. i only remember bits and pieces of my childhood. it's almost like i never really had a childhood. i just went from being an infant to a young adult in a flash. if you asked me what i remember most, i'd probably say watching cartoons. i've been mentally fxcked up my whole life. all i have is this name, and i dont even know who she is. i cannot begin to tell you how many times i've cried for absolutely no reason. i cannot tell you how many times i have sat there, so spaced out, not moving, sitting still, just thinking. being alone & controlled has really toiled with my mind. i guess people wouldnt know how i felt coz i try to hide it. i put on a smile on my face for eveyone to see, but truly, i've got a million things running through my mind.