my mind is racing

man so many thoughts on my mind, such as: just about everything is blowing up in my face; i'm just about irritated with everything, including the people around me, near AND far; my life is a mess, i need to pick up the peices and fast; never bee...n so hurt by such words in my life, they just keep coming at me like bees; i need to find new people to be included in my life, NEW ones i can TRUST. as of now i only have a select group that i chose to talk to. patty, rachel, des, jenny, pilar (ha!), and the people i have here on facebook [sorry i dint name you, but you know who you are]; feeling unwanted, invisible, ignored, etc., etc.; can't wait to move; sometimes i wonder if my different is good; homie, stop tryna be real with me and be real with yourself...be true to yourself; my situation is getting more and more nutzo everyday; i need to go somewhere, anywhere away from here; tired of being taken advantage of; tired of people thinking i'm a wink link, no, no honey: i just let you think that; last but not least, and not the last: PEOPLE NEED TO STOP FXCKIN AROUND, it's not a dayum joke [excuse my french].

info about taurus

i think i've posted something like this before, but oh well
[i forgot where i got this from, oops!]:

True to the mascot of the Taurus, your stubbornness is the root of your resolve [ahahaha part of the reason why i don't get along with my father]. You’re highly motivated to finish something you start. Why put in blood, sweat and tears without seeing the fruits of your labor? Because you work so hard at completing your goals – especially in your career – you value a hard-earned buck.

In fact, money is the object of your desire. It’s not that you’re greedy; it’s just that your financial situation affects how stable you feel. Plus, you enjoy the finer things in life – good food and drink and high-end things for yourself and your home. [i lvoe everything luxurious and extravagant, especially when i can get it for an EXTREMELY good/cheap price :D]

But when it comes to sharing, you’d rather protect your treasures and keep them to yourself. [unless i reaaaallly like you]

One thing Taurus is not is a risk taker. Your fixed zodiac quality represents your resistance to change.While practical, you aren’t particularly interested in trying new things. Change makes you feel uneasy and vulnerable. You crave stability and are comfortable with the familiar. [change is scary for me, i try, but it never works. im slower to change than most and have to do it gradually or else i'll have a panic attack!]

This sign’s cool, calm and collected exterior hides a tenacious temper. Rarely do you unleash it on others, unless you’re seriously provoked or attacked.Beneath your down-to-earth, easy-going personality lies someone who’s very romantic and concerned with matters of the heart. [exactly like a bull. lol they only attack or get dangerous when provoked]



Relationships
Taurus often have a difficult time meeting new people – you can be reserved and self-conscious around strangers. [people think i'm cocky because of that, well if you dont know, know you know] You’re more of a self-contained soul.But your inner circle of friends knows they can count on your shoulder to cry on. You have a knack for offering sound advice with a loving touch.When it comes to romantic relationships, you’re very affectionate and sensual. You prefer a steady courtship and rarely rush in to a relationship. [i think i would seriously have to "talk" to / date someone for mooonths before we can be a "couple]

Taurus’ best romantic matches are also earth signs – Virgo and Capricorn.You’re a giver, and all you ask for in return is a committed relationship where you feel safe. Just keep your possessiveness and jealousy in check. [i hate people who dont commit whether it be relationships or just random things. big turn off. i hate cheaters the most.]


Health
Taurus rules the neck and face. You probably have a soft and striking voice, providing to music to other people’s ears. You were also blessed with a beautiful neck and collarbone as well as a clear complexion.Some health problems you may encounter: Colds, coughs, laryngitis, stiff necks and thyroid gland issues. Taurus' love for food and a tendency to be lazy puts you at risk of gaining weight, especially in your later years. [ahahahahaaha so freaking true! i'm a little thick if you know what i'm saying lmao. i lvoe being thick though. :DDDD sooo much fun! the only thing thats nawt fun about it is not being able to wear some of the cute clothing because it looks better on the grossly skinny chix. (oh another novel)]


However, when you’re motivated to get up and get moving, you’re quite the athlete.


Career
Taurus' propensity for success and level of makes you a wonderful employee at most jobs.You enjoy positions where you’re responsible for money or can use your keep aesthetic eye, and work best in a day-to-day routine.

The best jobs for a Taurus include: musician, artist, singer, banker, stockbroker, insurance agent, accountant, cashier, real estate agent, florist, woodworker, and antique collector. [i lvoe music! i lvoe art! (just wish i had the chance to craft my craft), i lvoe to sing! (i'm an ok singer, would i make a career out of it? eh, maybe if i wanted to, probably couldnt deal with "blowing up"), i lvoe flowers! my faves are freesias, roses (yellow, white, pink(s)), orchids, pretty much the exotic looking flowers; and antiques are beautiful!!!!!!!!!]

While you’re a solid fixture in your loved ones' lives, embrace change every once in awhile. Or else you’ll never know what you could be missing out on. Are You Too Jealous?

Jealousy [i dunno lol it is true though] may have run rampant in your high school cliques, but isn't it time you grew out of this ugly emotion? [i dunno, i hope!!!!!!!!!] There are different degrees of jealousy, and the way you handle it makes all the difference. Find out if you're too jealous for your own good with this quiz.

Check out Health Bistro, where Lifescript editors let it all hang out. Share it with your friends (it’s free to sign up!), and bookmark it so you don’t miss a single juicy post!

an idle mind

is a devil's workshop.

maaaaaan so true!

a look into mysophobia [germaphobia]:

i've always been afraid of germs, but some recent event [that i choose not to speak of] have made my mysophobia worse:

2 weeks ago i began washing my hands constantly and making sure i didnt touch anything anyone touched. i didnt eat for a week and a half because i didn't know what utensils people ate off. [i lost six pounds] i have a fear of touching the fridge or microwave because someone else might have touched it. i use a napkin to open anything. when i go up and down the stairs i makesure i dont touch the railing and if i think i did i run down the stairs to wash my hands. i even get nervous to wash my hands because i don't know who touched it before me.

i buy my own water for my room and "claim" my own cup.

my dad sneezed in my room a couple days ago and i had a serious breakdown. i cried and cried in the bathroom until i had a migraine. i was shaking and felt like throwing up. i felt like my room was my safe place from his germs until he sneezed...i must have sprayed my room down like a freak. if my mom doesn't hide that lysol from me, i might get permanent brain dramage. seriously. she told me i need to calm down in her serious im-your-mother-so-listen-to-me-tone. i took it into consideration, but it didnt help.

now when i go outside i dont open any doors until someone opens them for me or i rush to the door that is closing and open it with my wrist or elbow. i can't shake peoples hands without feeling like i need scalding water to wash my hands. i dont even like hugging people anymore...and you know how some people spit when they talk? i feel like i should just shoot myself right there. i used to leave my door closed, but now i leave it open so people wont touch my door knob.

i have to think of things like peanut butter [which i'm allergic to lol], peaches, bananas, strawberries, melons, etc. to keep my mind off of viruses and bacteria. i had another breakdown because a particular word kept [and still is] flashing through my brain, thats when the words started happening. its getting better, but it still manages to flash in my brain a couple time. i started to cry horribly and was curled up in a "child's pose" on the floor in the hallway. i couldn't stop crying and i felt like i was becoming psychotic.

i used to be able to touch door knobs and the fridge door or shake peoples hands before [i would still wash them] but now it has gotten worse...

i stay in my room even more than i used to and dread going out sometimes. i'm afraid someone who has an uncurable disease is going to spit on me or if i have a cut on my hand theytouch me and i'm going to get their disease as well.

**This post is about germs creative aye?

i don't know. i think i need help.

oh ya, and i was thinking about not having kids because i dont them to have to worry about germs or get sick at a young age. and i was also thinking about not getting married either because i dont want my husband to have or give me something...and i have this belief that ALL men are unfaithful and will bring weird shxt into the house.

and no tattoos. sometimes the tattoo artists dont change the needles or will put used ink back in the bottles or even use the same cap from someone else. especially your "homeboys." sometimes even the most sincere gestures can get you into trouble. the same goes with peircings as well.

ugh. i'm really starting to discover how serious this shxt is. i feel like monk.

your satisfaction does not concern me...

i don't know.
just decided to say that lol.
i'm feeling very...
disjointed?

no.

yes.

disjointed from my emotions?

no.

disjointed from my body?

yes.

i feel like i'm nutzo.
[i'm not, but i feel like it]

alter ego?
hmmmmmm.
everyone meet xia-xuxa

[zee-yah--shoo-sha].

:D

i think i have an obsession...

with cardigans and sweaters! lol
chickdowntown.com and a new blog
i am following, finaforever.com,
are giving away a really cute one!
for free!
you can enter on
finaforever.com...instructions are simple!

**pondering the many ways
that sweater can be worn** lol

anywho
checkout both of their sites
and see exactly whats up!
chickdowntown.com has many designers
on their site
and finaforever.com has many
other giveaways...
and awesome style!
so makesure you check the two out!

8 toxic personalities...

8 Toxic personalities to avoid
by Brett Blumenthal - Sheer Balance, on Wed May 13, 2009 8:01am PDT

Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn't so. Personally, I've had moments where I'll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I'll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails. Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.

Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative. Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional. Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.
Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives. And, although we are all human and have our 'issues,' some 'issues' are quite frankly, toxic. They are toxic to our happiness. They are toxic to our mental outlook. They are toxic to our self-esteem. And they are toxic to our lives. They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.

Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:
1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.

Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.

2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."

Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.

3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.

Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.

4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'. If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.

Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.

5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.

Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.

6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.

Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.

7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.

Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.

8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.

Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.

All of these personalities have several things in common. 1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue. 2) Unfortunately, most of these people don't see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one. 3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.
Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity. If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you'll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities? What have you done? Any personalities you would add?

y u m m y .

my new favorite glasses:

come & gone.

may is almost coming to end--
it has [almost] come
and gone
like a stripper with your money.
i'm 19.
my life is rolling on by
as everyone watches.
pretty soon i'm going to be old,
and walking with a walker.
oh boy.

plain & simple.

i don't like anything too flashy.
i like to keep it simple and classy
i guess thats why the people,
they don't like me.
i'm not on or in.
everytime i try i know i cannot win.
at least by next year
i know my clothes will have not died.
i pair 'em up,
juice 'em up
by the time i'm done
at least i know they're still alive.
there was times
where i wanted to be "fly"--but
i'm not a big spender
i feel that big spenders are hiding from
the very issues that
are kept in the depths of their minds.
insecurities.
impurities.
the lies.
i do not feel,
but despise.
run off in your his names,
and her names,
initials
and whatever you may desire.
but i,
i stay in my
dress up,
dress down styles.
i don't like anything too flashy.
i like to keep it simple and classy.

wish i was bold enough.

You're always head cheerleader for your friends' love lives --
have you ever thought about doing the same on your own?
It's time to take center stage and tell yourself that
whatever you want to happen can happen.

happy birthday to me

happy birthday to me!
happy birthday to me!
happy birthday dear meeeeeeeeee!
happy birthday to me!

yessss! ms. 19 today y'all...

envy:

Taurus Horoscopes
(Apr 20 - May 20)
Yesterday Today Tomorrow
Sunday, May 10th, 2009

Questioning your values isn't a productive activity today,
even if a disagreement over money makes you wonder
if your priorities need to be rearranged.
It feels as if whatever you choose,
you're revealing desires that are not as lofty or as altruistic as others.
But
[envy here] Comparing yourself to anyone else is pointless;
everyone is different.
Just be true to yourself in all that you do.
If you don't have integrity,
your motives will seem artificially transparent.

maaaan.

like i lvoe rihanna right,
i may even have a sliiight
"girl crush"
[let's get some shxt right though,
i wouldn't want to fxck her,
i just think she's fabulous]

buuuuuut:
http://www.ihiphop.com/?p=16671

do you catch my drift? lol
man o man.

i knew she wasn't a "good" island girl,
island girls are N E V E R "good."

--signing off-

i think of myself as

a disturbed soul.

dreamer of dreams.
broke fashionista, who shows it; litterally.

confused.

a lvoe sick, individual.

an all natural chick.

laid back, chill.

a woman with a golden heart.

lvoeable.

exciting.

once-in-a-while-adventurist.

having itchy feet.

someone of importance.



so how come everyone else
doesnt feel the same way?

these are the thoughts of a bored
female.

lol

its funny how its usually the "fans"
who start the drama between artists...

youtube: "keri hilson turning me on remix"
funny shxt
just because she said "you need to step to the left"
they automatically think its about beyonce...
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE PUT THAT IN THEIR SONGS?
and who the fxck cares if it's about beyonce...
wtf...
she doesn't care....
she makes hella bank.
i think both bxtches are dope.
so drop it dag nabbit.

ignorant people:

word in the "music world" is

that keri hilson dissed beyonce & ciara in her turning me on remix...

ahahahahahahahaha

the funny shxt:

ALL of beyonce's fans

are like fxck keri,

she's ugly, blah blah blah

when they dont even know if its true.

it could be,

but wtf....who fxcking cares? lol

i've heard soooooooo many people

put "you need to step to the left"

in their songs...

sooooooooooooooooooooooo how is this about beyonce?

since i am bored....

i have decided to post a whole
shxt load
of music
in the form of a youtube video....
enjoy...

welcome: to what intrigues me

as posted on myspace: as;

my birthday approaches, i'm getting more and more excited! funny coz just a couple months ago, i wasnt psyched A T A L L . i'm still celebrating it silently though...shopping with my bestie is all i need.

oh and food.
oh and being almost naked.
oh and being in the city...
oh and seeing the cutie-bo-dudies walk by.

why invite hella people to celebrate when only 4/10 that you invite will show up, and some how forget the fxcking gifts? why waste all that $ on expensive axx food when you can go shopping? :D if anyone else is interested, i'm not tripping. however, i didn't tell anyone for a reason. i hate taking people shopping-especially when they have no mula in their wallets. you can usually tell in their face that they're mad coz you got something they liked...you can tell they're boiling inside.

aha.

anywho...i dunno, i guess i'm happy because i get to leave 18 behind and gain another year until i become an adult, [2 more to drink] no more teen shxt...[almost] i thank God for letting me have another year on earth to live with almost no problems-except the natural human issues...hopefully 19 & the rest of 2009 together, bring me a good year of life, hopes, accomplishments, lvoe [aha, right], more independence, lessons, and whatever else comes along the way. i'm gonna be on some new shxt, so don't bring the bullshxt pleeeaase! i already have enough issues, so don't add to the existing ones. i'm usually someone who likes to be cool with people, but once you push my buttons, you push my buttons. i'm always one to listen, and i dont judge [at that moment...lol]

thank you in advance.

**why did i post this? coz i'm a gee like that, and was horribly bored.

ever changing...

ever since i started college
i feel like i've acquired a
whole other mindset...
i mean college does do that to you,
but i don't know how to explain it.
i'm just nawt entirely the same chick
i used to be.